I've been thinking about it with greater frequency, lately. In my lifetime, I've only known two people who have died. The one was a woman who I could not see eye to eye with though someone we were able to maintain some sort of mutual respect (for lack of a better word). She passed away several years ago. The other person was my grandmother, who died on July 24th.
What I know of her, she seemed an almost fierce person to approach. She was one of those stringent old Christian women who never hesitated to express her perspective to anyone. But she had a gentle side. She was really tender towards people. A soft chuckle would precede her rectification of your last statement and she was even a bit of a tease. Her rebukes were often harsher than necessary, but she was easy to like. Grandma could talk the hind leg off a mule leaving no room for anyone (spare only one other relative I know of) to get a word in edgewise, but she really did draw people in. Lots of people will miss her. After 67 years of marriage, I hope Grandpa will be able to cope okay. I believe he will.
What does it mean to die? I sort of know what I believe. Yet, I still don't think I've fully grasped the concept. Is it merely the expiration of life? The process by which a living body becomes inanimate? The moment in which a person is suddenly "gone"? But such a definition of death seems insufficient. Furthermore, I don't think a person could ever really be gone as long as someone remembers them. Perhaps my failure to comprehend the meaning of this thing called "death" stems from the fact that I wasn't all that close to my grandmother. I find it sad that a life has been extinguished and I feel a sense of loss, but there is no grief. I have no difficulty continuing on with my life, with smiling and laughing.
I almost find it disturbing. The fact that I feel neither pain nor the need to cry. Have I no heart? No emotions? Or is it a sort of maturity? After all, I do retain some religious beliefs on the matter. I don't know.
She's gone. It seems so surreal, so far departed from my life, and all I can do is speak to others in the family as though I can understand how they feel. Problem is, I really don't think I do. But Grandma was a good person, and good people are always immortalized in the hearts of those left behind.
1 comments:
*Hugs*. Aww. Mel. *Hugs. You need a serious, real glomp! pondering such...like, deep questions and stuff.
I'm so sorry about your grandmother.
I remember when my Great-Grandpa died. It was the most intense moment when I found out he was gone. I didn't believe it, couldn't, wouldn't. . .and to this day I still miss him terribly. In my childhood filled with so many unloving, blank, people he was always there and always kind and always interested in what I had to say. I never really did that much with him ... but I MISSED him so bad when he was gone. I still have moments of just deep, deep sadness and depression when I think about him. He was such a great guy, but I think that you are right. As long as someone remembers ... a soul is never truly GONE.
I think.
Still unsure about the afterlife bit though. My religious beliefs aren't what they used to be in that respect. I have no opinion on the matter, because I have too little true information. Facts on the great beyond are kinda hard to come by.
Anyway, *Hugs*. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I'll be thinking of your family and praying for them. Try not to think about it too hard, okay?
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