A Clinical Day

I know that no one room in the x-ray department at my clinical site is *mine*, but having my classmate camping back there studying makes me feel that he's encroaching on my territory. I mean, for a whole semester, I was the only student here, the ER room was my space, to a large degree, but now... Now, there are two students and the other one likes to park HIS stuff in MY territory. Punk.

The people at my clinical site always bring food of one kind or another. Usually of the not-too-healthy variety. Today, we had a veritable feast, with cake and decorations. The occasion? An at-work baby shower for one of the techs who is due in about a month. She... I don't think she likes me. Not that she necessarily dislike me, either. I feel not unlike that low hum that the refrigerator makes. At first, you can't help but notice it, but soon it's just white noise, a part of the background that is barely noted, if at all. She simply doesn't seem to care if I'm there or not. Oh, well. It really doesn't matter much--it just puts me off a bit.

The major topic of conversation was the products for sale at Nellie's upcoming "Pure Romance" Party. Namely: BOBs, HOGs, dildos, and other such pleasure toys. Lots of laughs... and htings I have never heard, nor really wanted to hear, before. If my parents knew the thing I was learning here...

In other news, DW hasn't contacted me at all since Wednesday night. Truthfully, I've nother to be anxious about--it's not like we're together. We haven't even met yet. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I am a bit. Part of me says to brace myself for disappointment and rejection, but another insists that I shouldn't come to such a conclusion so early, that I shouldn't just give... that if I do so now, I always will.

Not that I will give up, necessarily, but I can't help but feel that hoping for anything however insignificant, would be naive of me. Maybe this is a defeatist way of thinking, but allowing one's hopes to rise too high can be asking for disappointment and heartache. I have long felt that I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to live my whole life without somebody beside me. But I also think, all too often, that I'd rather be lonely than risk the sting of rejection. I'd rather distance myself than risk my heart. If getting close to someone will result in heartbreak, I'd rather not get close to anyone.

I need to pull back. I cannot think of DW as my potential boyfriend, otherwise I will drive myself to insanity frettying over small disappointments (point in case). So, I'll think of him as a fellow SciFi fan, as a friend who is willing to teach me a little about sports. But as a boyfriend... with my luck in love, it is much too soon for me to even consider such a possibility.

I guess, in my life, where there's disappointment, not far away is laughter. I've learned to hide many hurts behind such joy. I enjoy clinicals, but as for love... maybe I'm really not read to give it a chance just yet...