It would be funny, you know--a 21-year-old hiding documents and stuff on her computer, removing any ready evidence of disapproved stuff from site, wondering if she found an obscure enough place to put it all. It'd be funny... if it weren't for the fact that I really can't trust my parents to allow me to make my own choices.
It'd be funny if I hadn't already been once before threatened with having my computer taken from me just because I had a picture of a shirtless actor on it. It'd be funny if when my parents told me I had the freedom to choose how to live my life, they didn't really mean that I could only live it the way they think I should. It'd be funny, if I didn't have to wonder what sort of disappointed looks they would constantly give me, what sort of endless, condemning lectures I would be subject to, if my parents even knew a fraction of the stuff I chose to do.
It would be SO FUCKIN' FUNNY... if only the things I am so concerned that my parents might discover weren't so GODDAMN INSIGNIFICANT in the grand scheme of things.
I'm talking about watching anything that isn't true or inspiring or Christian in nature (or nature in nature). I'm talking about not feeling the need to always talk all prim and proper--to believe that sometime, a friggin' cuss-word is appropriate. I'm talking about not being as close to God as maybe I should be. I'm talking writing and reading fiction. I'm talking about imagining things that aren't real, but finding it a wonderful reprieve from the doldrum that life can be. I'm talking about the four or five alcoholic drinks I've had since I turned 21. I'm talking about maybe believing that sex before marriage isn't a sin, that people with alternative lifestyles are just as worthy of my friendship and respect.
I'm talking wanting to act someday and knowing that when that day comes, I'll probably get an earful from my parents for months.
I'm talking about wanting to just make them happy and proud of me... and knowing that my own happiness' and sanity's that I just can't.
I'm talking about tiptoeing just so they won't pull my tuition because I know I can't pull it off without their assistance.
... I'm talking about respecting them for who they are and what they believe, knowing that I can never expect the same courtesy back.
I'm getting computer ready to go home, in case my parents want to take a look at its contents, knowing that they won't allow me to barr them access...
It would be funny... if it didn't make me wanna cry in frustration...
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1 comments:
It's not as bizarre or weird as you might think hun. When I was a teenager I had no privacy. Nothing was sacred and I couldn't call anything exclusively mine other than my clothes or my family.
My address changed too frequently to be considered my home. And unlike most teenagers i didnt have anywhere safe to hide things as The house could be packed up when I returned from school and things could've been found. I'm thirty now and I still hide things from my mother.
The experiences I've had have made me a very private person to the point that I have a password on my laptop and my PC and won't let anyone use my ID if i'm logged in.
People are welcome in my house but I don't like leaving them alone in my home, although i have nothing to hide.
Don't seek anyones approval but your own as that way there is no one to disappoint but yourself.
Okay I'm rambling but I hope you get the gist of the fact you are not alone.
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